“It was shortsighted on my part. I thought ‘OK, this is dramatic, but wrong.’ You know it’s dramatically right, but philosophically wrong to the audience.” – Sylvester Stallone on Rocky V
I award this movie NO STARS, and may God have mercy on its soul.
Look at that poster.
When you look at this poster, you see a hopeful and optimistic Rocky Balboa. With it’s tagline “GO FOR IT”, you’re expecting a feel good Rocky movie. Instead, you get this shitty melodrama in which Sylvester Stallone’s ego fully takes over. If Rocky IV was a finely aged gouda cheese, then Rocky V is that hunk of cheese that sat in the fridge for about a year and is growing fungus.
On paper, this premise should work: Shortly after defeating Ivan Drago, Rocky inadvertently signs over power of attorney to his accountant. He’s broke. He’s forced to retire due to a brain injury. Don King…I mean…George Washington Duke…wants Rocky to fight Mike Tyson…I mean…Union Cane. He takes in a hungry fighter named Tommy “The Machine” Gunn (played by real life boxer Tommy Morrison). Rocky’s son wants nothing to do with him because he is way more focused on training Tommy Gunn. You also have John G. Avildsen returning to the director’s seat to take Rocky back to his roots, in more ways than one. These are all things that on paper should work.
Rocky V is so terrible. Prior to June of 2013 when I saw A Good Day to Die Hard, I considered Rocky V the worst sequel to any movie I had seen in my life. Rocky V is pure misery porn just for the sake of being misery porn.
Everyone in this film is going through the motions. We don’t get Oscar winning Rocky director John G. Avildsen, we get Karate Kid Part III John G. Avildsen. It seems as though John G. Avildsen seems to think that shouting is good acting. Tommy Morrison’s acting is downright laughable. Shaquille O’Neal in Steel delivers a better performance than Tommy Morrison. There are scenes that feel like he is reading the same dummy cards Rocky did in Rocky II. Kevin Connolly — yes, the same Kevin Connolly who was E in Entourage and directed my last no star movie review Gotti — plays Rocky Jr’s bully so hamfisted it is hilarious. The bully from Cool Cat Saves the Kids has more subtle acting chops. Sage Stallone is giving a pure “nepotism got me this role” performance as Rocky Jr. I’m well aware that he is dead, but it’s not that mindblowing of a performance.
Rocky V also makes some baffling choices, like bringing back a clearly aged Burgess Merideth to to reprise his role as Mickey in a cameo. During the Mickey scene, it’s also shot as if it was Raging Bull. John, Rocky was the originator! Why are you stealing from the other great boxing movie that isn’t Rocky?! It also features the most jarring time jump of any Rocky movie, in which we go from 1985 to 1990 without warning, with the only context clues being extremely dated hip hop and the fact the kids are watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. Somehow, I think young Kevin Conolly thought: “One day I’m going to direct a movie where it makes bad time jumps!”
Allow me to differentiate good fanservice and cheap fanservice. Good fanservice rewards you for being a loyal fan. Cheap fanservice is basically this:
Suddenly, Rocky is seen in his iconic outfit from the first movie just because. There’s no reason to it, there’s no explanation. That is what cheap fanservice is to me. It’s one of my main complaints about the MCU.
Stallone’s ego is all over this film. I get that he toyed with the idea of killing off Rocky in this film. But if he died in Rocky V, it would have retroactively ruined this franchise. But come on. When Tommy Gunn turns on him, they chant “ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!” Of course, Rocky has to have a fist fight with a real boxer so Sylvester Stallone can stroke his ego.
But the worst offender of Rocky V above all else is that it is just plain boring. Witness Rocky Balboa wear glasses at a law firm! Witness discount Don King try and goad Rocky into coming out of retirement! Witness a bully situation that gets easily resolved by punching! At least Rocky IV is pure, cheesy 80’s awesomeness. Rocky IV was silly, but never boring. Rocky V is a meandering mess of a film.
While Rocky IV remains the most successful film in the Rocky series before inflation, Rocky V was its polar opposite. Rocky V was a critical and commercial failure, losing money at the box office. It also didn’t help that a little indie film called HOME ALONE opened that same weekend and instantly became a smash hit. Stallone has since distanced himself from the film; it wouldn’t be for another 16 years that we got a semblance of closure to the boxing career of Rocky Balboa.
Sixteen years later, we get to see my favorite time period of Rocky.
Print is dead. Ryan Watches 2.0 will debut with Creed II. Ryan Watches 2.0 will be done in a podcast format on YouTube in 5-10 minute lengths, completely spoiler free.
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