The review is right above. The following may contain spoilers for Barbie.
You know, I could chase SEO and DESTROY Ben Shapiro’s 43 minute long video on Barbie in a video essay format. But here’s the thing: Shapiro is not a film critic by trade…and I want to wait until it drops on video. You know who is? Our good buddy Armond White! What better way to start this off by roasting his headline?
You really want to go there? Really Armond? Your buddies are calling anyone who gives Sound of Freedom any form of mild criticism pedophiles. How about Jason Aldean’s “Try That in a Small Town?”, which indirectly threatens violence to minorites in small towns as Aldean projects BLM protests against a famous lynching site in the music video. Even your employer is calling him out. Miss me with that “weaponized” bullshit.
“The ideal audience for this movie is not young women who happily grew up playing with Barbies but a later vengeful generation that resents the toy’s suggestion of outdated femininity.”
The trailer explicitly states that the film is made for people who both love and hate Barbie. It’s also rated PG-13 and not the Four Quadrant, MCU version of PG-13. There is nothing vengeful about this film. To me, it’s the equivalent of a little girl playing with Barbie dolls. We’ll talk more about this later.
“Barbie opens with a riff on 2001: A Space Odyssey where sullen little girls smash old-fashioned baby dolls (i.e., the idea of motherhood). Non-maternal Barbie (Robbie) towers over these fitful tykes, shadowing them like Kubrick’s black slab and inspiring violent resistance.”
Oh no…little girls want to be more than mothers. It’s called an homage, Armond. It’s filmmaking 101. Gerwig was clearly paying tribute to the obelisk scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Nothing more, nothing less. Did you shit a brick over the apes killing each other in the original film? No, you didn’t.
“Gerwig is unperturbed by the fact that Mattel’s product evolution, by which Barbie dolls endlessly changed, kept up with commercial trends. The many variations are accounted for in a cynical overview (narrated by Helen Mirren — why not Ketanji Brown Jackson?) that dismisses those transformations, whether a pregnant Midge doll or Allan, a second-banana boy doll, as unhip.”
Yes, make fun of the recently elected black Supreme Court Justice that didn’t get asked softball questions about the Constitution and fumbled the answers. I’m 100% sure Kentaji Brown Jackson knows what rights are protected in the First Amendment. Also, you’re fully aware that you contradicted yourself, right? You want to say Greta Gerwig dismisses these characters, yet it’s clear that she did her homework on the properties and has a lot of respect for Barbie’s evolution. I didn’t know Allan was an actual toy in the Barbie line. I just thought that he was a random guy that just happened to live in Barbieland when I saw the trailer.
Let me guess, you’re gonna shit on Issa Rae later on in this review for being President of Barbieland?
“Gerwig indulges self-satisfied smugness in the script co-written with her consort Noah Baumbach.“
Pot, meet kettle.
“Gerwig has made it to the Hollywood big time in ways Baumbach has not. She’s a media heroine, touted for Oscars every time she directs a movie.”
Dude, you literally gave Lady Bird a positivereview! (Which you’ve since deleted from The National Review) Why shouldn’t she? Greta Gerwig is a talented filmmaker and writer. Also, Noah Baumbach has four films in the Criterion Collection. Baumbach is highly regarded as a filmmaker in his own right.
“Barbie/Gerwig and Ken/Baumbach fight for dominance in both Barbieland and the real world — the latter being Hollywood suburb Santa Monica, where Will Ferrell as a Mattel exec evokes the lousy, anti-Christmas movie Elf, a favorite of hipsters and faithless wannabes.”
Coming from someone who has ADD, this is a very ADD passage. What are you trying to convey here? It’s clear you’re slamming the writing of this film; then you go off on a tangent on Elf because that’s a film Will Ferrell was also in. That Elf analogy in no way, shape, or form works because you want to compare him to James Caan’s character. The only way the analogy would have worked is if Will Ferrell’s character ended up being Robbie Barbie’s father, which he isn’t. But at least he is a better CEO than David Zaslav, as he actually listens to what people want.
As a side note, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ELF IS ANTI-CHRISTMAS? Elf is a genuinely wonderful film that teaches great morals about being yourself and being kind no matter what the world throws at you. Those are VERY pro-Christmas AND pro-Christian messages. Allow me to quote Elf to you, because you fundamentally misunderstood a film made for children:
“They just lose sight of what’s important in life…doesn’t mean they can’t find their way again.” — Santa, Elf
Take Santa’s advice, Armond. You’ve lost sight of what’s important. Instead, you take your hatred out on films that don’t share your cynical worldview…or aren’tI Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.
“Yet Gerwig’s artifice defies the special feeling that females might know — the fulfilling, personal escape into free femininity, childbearing, family, homemaking, and romance that should be the essence of a Barbie movie.”
So you want Barbie to be a tradwife? Thus, going against what you said earlier about how Barbie could be anything? That is the most unimaginative take I’ve ever seen on Barbie. I’ve NEVER played with a Barbie doll, and even I can tell you, the last thing I would do with Barbie is have her be a homemaker. That Barbie movie would have been boring as hell and proves that the far right has no imagination whatsoever.
“She ignores the childhood fantasy in which kids dream of being wives, moms, teachers, nurses, etc. — roles essential to the world.“
*sigh*
DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE I DID?! OR DID YOU JUST WATCH BEN SHAPIRO’S YOUTUBE VIDEO AND THINK THAT WAS THE MOVIE?
All of those people are represented in the film, both in Barbieland and in the Real World. What makes you think there isn’t a Nurse Barbie or a Teacher Barbie? Hell, Hari Nef’s character – the EEEEVVVVIIILLLL trans woman who is only in the film for a total of 45 seconds and will more than likely be cut out for China and Saudi Arabia – is a doctor. Midge, a character you dismissed, is shown to be an expectant mother.
One more thing: The film also centers on a MOTHER-DAUGHTER RELATIONSHIP AND HOW AMERICA FERRERA USES HER DAUGHTER’S BARBIES TO COPE WITH THE STRESSORS IN HER LIFE! MOTHERS ARE TOTALLY REPRESENTED IN THE FILM!
Let’s me guess, you’re gonna slam America Ferrera’s speech, which sums up the joys and frustrations of being a mother?
“Where’s the fascinating sexual empowerment found in the proto-feminist Barbarella and Robert Zemeckis’s postfeminist doll movie Welcome to Marwen?”
It’s interesting that you chose to link your review of Welcome to Marwen despite giving it a negative review. But you also want the Barbies to be sexually active? The point of Ken is that he has always been a beta cuck since his inception. Also, you want Barbie to beabout a man who creates a town with dolls to cope with getting the shit kicked out him for being a cross dresser? That version of Barbie would also not fly with your readership.
“Instead, Gerwig and Baumbach promote querulous sloganeering. The multiple Barbies and Kens (multiethnic, overweight, disabled) are airhead protesters, spoofing the Frankie and Annette beach movies.”
I sure as shit didn’t see any multiethnic, disabled or overweight people in ANY of Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello’s movies!
But I thought Barbie could be anybody? So you only want Barbie to be straight, able bodied, Republican, and white? That is a bigoted contradiction. Didn’t you keep hammering this point at the beginning of your review? But now you’re upset when you’re seeing Barbies on screen that don’t fit your narrow-minded view of the character?
(The humorless team forsake imagination for a horrific episode featuring SNL’s never funny Kate McKinnon as an abused Barbie.)
Anyway, here are a few SNL sketches of Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton that clearly make fun of her:
An openly gay woman brought Democrats and Republicans together to laugh at these sketches.
Also, Weird Barbie is one of the best parts of the film, thanks to Kate McKinnon’s chaotic energy. I’m not her biggest fan, but when she is on, she is REALLY on. Without her, the film doesn’t happen.
“When Barbie grouses about “sexualized capitalism” and pouts “I’m not pretty,” Mirren interrupts: “Note to filmmakers: Margot Robbie is the wrong actress to cast to make this point.”
That scene so far is one of my top 5 favorite scenes of the year, and my theater laughed out loud and applauded. You just have an awful sense of humor, as evidenced by the fact that you think Jack and Jill is a cinematic masterpiece. Don’t pretend you don’t think Margot Robbie isn’t beautiful. You’re gonna spend the next paragraph saying that she isn’t beautiful, are you?
“It’s funny because he’s a self-hating Jew!”
“Fact is, tough-blonde Robbie lacks slim, doll-like fragility. Granted, she achieves one of the film’s only two good moments: pantomiming crestfallen Barbie’s plastic stiffness. But Robbie’s lewd, manic stare (perfect for Suicide Squad) is too scary for Barbie.”
Lacks slim, doll like fragility?! Too scary?! Greta Gerwig is able to communicate her beauty from just a shot of her slipping in and out of shoes. That’s how beautiful Margot Robbie is. Don’t tell me for a second you don’t think that she isn’t perfect for this part. But that’s what’s great about Margot Robbie. Not only is she absolutely gorgeous, but the woman has range with a Capital R. She’s one of my favorite actresses right now. She can go from a period piece to Harley Quinn to broad comedy.
Also, this is the first time I agree with you on something. Robbie is perfect because she can handle every facet of Barbie. Her physical comedic timing is absolutely spot on. While I may disagree with you on her being too scary for Barbie, I 100% agree with you on her physical comedy.
“The film’s other good moment belongs, surprisingly, to Gosling, who lip-synchs Matchbox Twenty’s “Push” in perfect raspy parody of a corporate folk-rock teen idol.”
Again, I 100% agree with you on this. Even you think Gosling is a revelation in this. Ryan Gosling in this film makes me wish that Warner Bros could just green light a Nice Guys 2. Take Santa’s advice. Find your way again.
“After that, Barbie goes to plasticine hell. Diversity hires America Ferrera and Issa Rae give abominable speeches about Latino and black feminist sacrifice, and Rhea Perlman appears morphing Barbie inventor Ruth Handler into Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “
MEANWHILE…I CALLED IT!!!!!!!!!
America Fererra is crucial to the film. She is NOT a “diversity hire.” It’s her character’s feelings and nihilism that drives this plot. Also, it’s really fucking rich that you thought calling Ruth Handler “Ruth Bader Ginsburg” was a clever insult, given Rhea Perlman gives one hell of a performance in the 5 minutes of screen time she has. I’d expect nothing less from the only person on Earth who thought Jack and Jill was a cinematic masterpiece.
“Things get more child-unfriendly when Gerwig tosses in terms such as “irrepressible thoughts of death,” “Proustian flashback,” and “patriarchy anxiety.”
PG-13 RATING! ARTISTIC LICENSE! Your version of Barbie is totally child-unfriendly. You want a traumatized cross dresser to make Barbie a hypersexualized tradwife in Marwen.
“Most kids will probably be bored by Barbie, and even the cool kids might frown at Baumbach’s name-dropping hipster in-jokes about The Godfather (“Coppola’s aesthetic, the genius of Robert Evans, and the architecture of ’70s Hollywood”).”
The film more or less plays to a YA and millennial audience. If kids like it, great. What I love the most about Barbie is that it reminds me of Pee Wee’s Playhouse, a show I loved as a kid, which also had a lot of adult humor go over my head. Hell, at 38 going on 39, Pee Wee’s Playhouse still holds the fuck up.
As for the scene you’re criticizing, this is clearly riffing on film bro culture. The frat bros who watch one A24 film a year and think that they are film scholars. You’re next complaint is somehow even stupider.
“Worst yet: One of the man-hating Barbies sneers, “Like, I was really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League!” How could any decent industry professional attack another filmmaker this way? It’s the ultimate sign that Gerwig and Baumbach know nothing about making pop entertainment.”
*sigh* Did you really have to be a sexist asshole with the words “man hating Barbie?” Because you just did what you thought Gerwig and Baumbach did: you attacked a filmmaker to lift up another filmmaker.
Buckle up, its fucking rant time.
First off, get the fucking line right:
“It’s like I’ve been in a dream where I was really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League.”
Second off, there was no malice in the joke, which is shocking given that Toby Emmerich is a producer on this film. ILOVED Zack Snyder’s Justice League, and I got a huge laugh out of it. If anything, it ties into the scene that you were just poo-pooing a sentence ago. Zack Snyder is the ultimate film bro director. Snyder fans should be cheering on that line as in the film’s context, Zack Snyder’s Justice League is put in the same pantheon as The Godfather.
I have a motto: I love Zack Snyder. I hate his fans. If anything, Snyder fans should be putting that line on a shirt in a Barbie font and raising money for AFSP, just like the last time when the Snyder Cut was mocked on Harley Quinn. I’d buy it.
But instead, the toxic side of Snyder’s fandom are too busy going: “HA! GAY WOKE FLOP!” To any DC film that doesn’t have Zack Snyder’s name on it, pretending that somehow box office = quality. That logic sucks, as according to them, The Shawshank Redemption, Se7en, Citizen Kane, and Blade Runner are total trash. Hate to tell you this, but if a deadly pandemic didn’t happen, Zack Snyder’s Justice League wouldn’t have happened. They spend every day of their miserable lives kicking James Gunn in the balls while demanding the Snyderverse goes to Netflix, when Snyder is clearly happy creating his own IP.
Personally, the toxic side of Zack Snyder’s fans should be taken down a peg… and this is coming from someone who loves Zack Snyder.
“[Gerwig and Baumbach] left the indie-world of American eccentrics to join Hollywood’s obnoxious elite.
Ryan Watches 